Custody and dating

11 Jun

because it feels a little like you are also making a black-or-white argument that shared custody is NEVER a good situation for kids, and I just feel like every family is unique and sometimes it might be the best, and some kids might actually be OK with it – even though I agree with you that in most cases it is probably not the best choice. I just also believe they should have one place that is called ‘home’. go from certain levels of understanding, to appropriate opposition, and then out of no where it seems to hit a nerve with someone and all is lost!

And I 100% agree that parents should be the ones making the sacrifices, not the kids. Anyway, I read the blog and the craziness you explained and I understand what you were trying to supportt.

I grew up in a non-equal physical custody arrangement.

As a child, I grew up believing that I was supposed to like being a part of my mom’s new family and I wasn’t going to be a part of my dad’s new family – AND thinking that I wanted this arrangement any other way was wrong. Okay, so all of that said – I can understand now what they were attempting to do…they were trying to establish some sort of stability in an otherwise unstable situation. The incidence of various social pathoologies goes up by a FACTOR of 6 to 24 for a dozen problems with children.

They knew it would be difficult for me to split between the two and it would create a shift in my life, my new sibiling’s lives, and my step-parents lives. One thing I haven’t mentioned is – although they had this arrangement, as the years went on the visiting time we (my dad & I) did have in place became less and less as the “stability” in our lives returned. My relationship and their well being would always come first. As children of divorce to somehow wonder that if something else had been different; the situation, the custody arrangement, us…that maybe then the relationship with our parent would have been better. It make no difference if the joint custody is ordered or agreed to really as both are included and this is a minor issue.

Now I don’t think anyone can dispute the importance of fathers for all children. And I’m going give everyone the benefit of the doubt and assume it never is. Because in the end I don’t really care about the fathers who feel slighted and disadvantaged at being called ‘secondary’ or feeling like a visitor. And they will always put their own needs aside in the name of time with a parent. It would also require the ‘primary’ to aid, accommodate and welcome those things. It was about how parents can rise to the challenge of maintaining for their children the standard of living that those in nuclear families have, despite being divorced. You can say I wear rose colored glasses, but you could also say the same about those who advocate for world peace and and an end to global warming.And I don’t care about the mother’s who feel that being primary during marriage entitles them to remain primary through divorce. So if continually jumping from house to house is the price of spending time with them equally; it will be paid. Mom and dad present in their life and a stable ‘home base’? Equal parenting doesn’t have to depend on equal physical custody. Just because my views are idealistic doesn’t make them wrong.Her dad and I were married, then separated but living in the same house, then separated and in different homes. Likewise, my dad doesn’t see M on Father’s day because she is with her dad.It was two years ago last week that we set up two homes for her; she was 22 months old. I don’t attend playdates with friends if she is not with me. Sometimes I ache to be with her, see her and she’s not with me.This non-equal custody arrangement is the arrangement my parents decided on right from the beginning of their divorce so as a 4 year-old I had no say in the matter. The scientific research on this is in and the score for joint custody is 225 to ZERO.Fast forward a couple of years and you find a very lonely 6 year-old wondering why her dad didn’t choose her and why he didn’t want her to be a part of his new family. Joint custody is proven superior for children by over 225 different scientific studies and not one ever showed that sole custody was good for children.Without nearly a thought and even dressed up with assurances that they’re okay. Reply You make a very compelling argument, and it’s unfortunate that so many folks on the other site had such a strong reaction to it. I think I did misunderstand a little bit, but I completely get what you are saying here: “I do believe very strongly in shared physical custody. I think that time spent privately with each parent is essential.